The Benny Blog

Secret Sauce

2005-10-29T13:26:00.000-07:00

Is there a secret sauce to good restaurant service?

As I'm able to post more, you'll see that restaraunt service - and service in general - is one of my hot buttons. That's probably because my profession - public relations - demands good service. You won't be in my field long if you don't understand - and demonstrate - good service.

So, I've been eating a lot of Mexican lately; why, I don't know. However, one thing that is standing out is the service. I mean, within seconds of being seated (oh, by the way, you're always seated right away) you have a basket of cocaine - a.k.a. chips and salsa - on your table. And I say cocaine only because those bloody chips are so addictive! And then you get the side of white cheese sauce, like my wife always does; man, it's like a kitten with a ball of yarn. But it doesn't stop there. I've only pounded a few chips by the time another server is asking 1.)do I want anything to drink and 2.)am I ready to order. If they don't have a Speedy Gonzalez on the menu, I need a little extra time; so, basically by the time they return 15 seconds later with our drink, I better be ready with my selection.

And as far as that selection goes, I dare anyone reading to say it's taken longer than five minutes before they come out carrying like nine plates - with oven mitts on because the plates are hot.

My point in all this is how do they do it? What do they know about good service that your average Applebees; TGIFridays; Olive Garden; etc., don't know? Granted, there are times when I want to enjoy my experience, and for that, I class it up a little with a trip to the neighborhood Macaroni Grill (kidding - kind of). But most times, I want to control how long I'm in the restaurant. And if that means eating in the first 15 minutes and hanging out for the next hour, then so be it.

Maybe we'll get lucky and the Red Lobsters of the world will figure out how to get me my salad, if not those cheesy biscuits, to me sooner than it takes Mexican restaurants to get me my whole freaking meal.

86 is 86'd

2005-09-26T18:24:00.000-07:00

On my way home from work today I heard Don Adams, a.k.a Agent 86 from TV's 'Get Smart' passed away from a lung disease over the weekend. No word on how 99 was handling the news, but I was saddened for a moment. It took me back to my earliest sitcom syndication memories, watching 'I Love Lucy', 'Get Smart' and 'Hart to Hart' after school. I didn't realize it at the time, but there may not have been a worse combination of sitcom shows. I would've killed to have a 'Benson'...or even a 'Maude' thrown in there. But, because of no cable TV, and a faulty rotor, I was stuck with this trio. And as a result, I'm able to write this blog. Lucky you.

So, how do you eulogize an agent who used his shoe as a telephone and broke every office etiquette rule by first dating, then later marrying his co-worker. As far as I know, he basically botched every mission the Chief threw at him; basically, he was the government version of Gilligan (a.k.a Maynard Krebs from 'Dobie Gillis', a.k.a Bob Denver in real life, who also died this month).

At any rate, Agent 86 has passed away. So tomorrow, put your phone in your shoe and pay tribute. But make sure nobody sees you because they'll think you're crazy.

Monger mania

2005-09-25T19:20:00.000-07:00

For those of you watching the new season of Survivor, you know that one of the candidates is a fishmonger. Yes, a fishmonger.

The dictionary defines a fishmonger as a store or person that sells fish for food. You mean to tell me that in 2005 we don't have a more current word for that definition than fishmonger? I didn't believe it myself, so I looked it up in the thesauras. And guess what? No synonym found. So, I think we should bring back the term monger. In fact, I'm going to change my title to PRmonger. My wife, a teacher, will be educationmonger. My sister, an accountant, will be numbersmonger.

But I don't think we should stop there. Survivor should put out a call for other professions from the 18th century. Heck, why limit it to fishmonger? Let's bring back the apothecary; the blacksmith; the stablemaster; the candlestick maker.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a real hankering for some perch. If only I knew where to find the catch of the day.

'Stache and dash

2005-09-24T18:42:00.000-07:00

Sitting here watching the Tribe beat the crap out of the Royals (Grady Sizemore is just sick), I received a call from my dad. We started talking and got to a topic we all cross with our fathers at some point in our lives: what is the Indians records since Wedge shaved his mustache?

Well, I did some research on clevelandindians.com and found that since he shaved it on June 11, the Indians are (ready for this?)...64-35. I'm willing to bet that never before has facial hair so blatantly affected a baseball team. In fact, you would have to go back to Phillip's 'stache power willing the Bulls to their first trio of NBA titles. And for all you community league coaches reading this, consider this ploy next time you need to do something drastic to get those 6,7 and 8-year olds playing like the pros they should be.

Speaking of Wedge, does anyone notice he wears a watch? And not a digital watch to time pitches, outfield throws, guys running the bases, etc. No, this is an old school analog watch. Why? Is he an obsessive compulsive that has to see the start time of every inning? Oddly, he reminds me of Satchel in the awesome comic strip, Get Fuzzy.

Go Tribe.

Get it straight: Jessica is the loser of the group

2005-09-24T11:04:00.000-07:00

Let it be known that I have been married for nearly four years. I've learned some things in that time. For me to be happy and watch the TV shows I want to (read: Indians games), there needs to be some give and take with the remote control.

And with that disclaimer, I would like to say that I am in the room when she watches MTV's Laguna Beach (Monday, 10 p.m. EST). I say 'in the room' because I do not actively watch this show. In fact, I hate this show. It's MTV's stab at a (wink-wink) reality version of "The O.C." that is basically comprised of good-looking people doing 90210-like things, i.e., totally meaningless things, like take trips to Cabo; go to a winter formal; have parties; go shopping...you get the picture. Riveting stuff.

But, try as I might to do work, read, check scores on-line, etc., I can't help but follow the action, or lackthereof. And since I'm watching, I have an opinion (surprise, surprise) on what's going on. And because my wife watches, she disagrees with my opinion (surprise, surprise) as she discusses the show with her friends (all twentysomethings trying to use this, along with 90210 re-runs on Soap Net to relive their high school days).

Normally I wouldn't test my luck arguing something as stupid as Laguna Beach, but when she is so wrong I have to set the record straight. So listen-up. I'm only going to go over this once. Jessica is the loser of the group.

I know all of you are upset that Jason left her for Alex and feel that she did nothing wrong, but did you not watch her all this season? She's a whiner. I mean, she and Jason drove in SEPARATE cars on a date. Remember the limo scene with Jason where she kept asking him (even though he was drunk) why he thought she was annoying? Well, that right there is why she's annoying. When you have to ask why you're annoying, that should serve as your answer.

Another example would be when Jessica stayed with Jason despite him going to the dance with Alex. What's wrong with her? She instantly lost respect with all of her friends. Then fast forward to her clinging to Kristen during their break-up scene. That lasted of all of 20-seconds and she had to call Kristen back right away. Loser.

Then she goes to the bonfire and takes the seondary role. She was the break-up initiator; she was in control. Yet, she let Alex run the show. Then last week the final straw: Alex said "I want you to admit you're a slut"...and Jessica admitted it! If that doesn't scream loser, I don't know what does. And don't say that Kristen should've been defending her. She was in Cabo chasing Talon; she had other things on her mind. And she didn't want to get between the two. This is called the guy approach. This is how guys handle things. Don't interfere and let things work themselves out.

This is all beside the fact that she is this upset over Jason. The guy is a tool. Check the beard man. Any way, I hope you can see that Jessica is the loser now. I hope I helped you understand because I'm really tired of having this discussion. The things I do to watch the Indians.

Pinch me

2005-09-23T18:32:00.000-07:00

I was drunk on the surprise and wonder of the magical 1995 season.
I was pissed off after the Orioles took us out thanks to that jerk Robbie Alomar in 1996.
I was jaded, thus a little more greedy in 1997 when I soaked in the greatest post season ever.
I was finally a true Cleveland fan when I suffered through the very high and very low 1998 post season.
I was in the hospital with my family for the horrible collapse, thanks to a bum Burba elbow in 1999.
I was glued to my radio, listening to three games - and Manny's final AB - as we lost out on the wild card in 2000.
I was at my wedding and on my honeymoon, thus barred from postseason games in 2001.

And then it was over.

Belle, Thome, Ramirez, Alomar Jr., Lofton, Vizquel, Pena, Murray, Nagy, Hershiser, Martinez, Mesa, Alomar, Justice, Fernandez, Hargrove, Williams, Grissom, Jackson, Burba, Wright, Ogea, Shuey, Assanmacher, Fryman; my summer heros for six years were all gone. This was a team that had won two games on my birthday in 1995 (Pena's homer at 2 in the morning, followed by the clincher later that night). A team that taught a ton of Cleveland Indians fans how to conduct themselves during postseason baseball. A team that unified designer, casual, cell phone toting fans together with diehards still wearing their Lenny Barker and Rick Manning jerseys.

And then it was all over.

All of a sudden I'm watching guys with the name of Selby, Diaz, Guitteriez, Bere, Stevens, Magruder, Anderson, Bradley, Garcia trying to fill the void of my beloved Wahoos (yea, I said Wahoos). I'm a purist; a person that loves to argue and debate baseball. How am I supposed to defend these guys? But I endured as a true Indians fan does.

And then it was all over.

These hacks were chased by my new heros: Hafner, Martinez, Sizemore, Crisp, Lee, Sabbathia, Belliard, Howry, Wickman, Peralta, Boone. I don't need to recount how some daring trades by Shapiro got us to this point; that's been covered. However, what hasn't been covered is how we're supposed to act now. After all, to this point, we were always the underdog. Never before have we been the media darlings we are now. Granted, some of the coverage can be attributed to Chicago's horrible play as of late, making some great fall drama unmatched by any networks' season premiere.

But most of the run has come as a direct result of the Indians' amazing six week run. Just consider some of the highlights from this recent play:

-Scott Elarton, your FIFTH starter, is 4-0 in his last four starts with an ERA of .92
-Grady Sizemore became the youngest Indian with five hits
-Sabbathia is 8-1 in his last nine starts
-Hafner has homered in six straight games, one short of tying Thome's record for consecutive games with a home run
-Milwood leads the AL in ERA at 2.95, despite an 8-11 record
-Four Indians pitchers are in double digit wins, and with Sabbathia's next win, will have three (Lee, Westbrook) with 15 wins
-All Indians regulars in double digit home runs, all but one have 15 (Belliard), four have 20+ (Blake, Hafner, Sizemore, Peralta) with two more one away (Broussard, Martinez)
-They have the league leader in saves (Wickman)
-They have a legitimate Cy Young candidate (Lee's 18 wins are second only to Colon's 20) and MVP candidate (Hafner is in the top ten of every AL offensive category except triples)

And trust me, after reading ESPN's Buster Olhney, Peter Gammons and Jayson Stark, that is just the tip of the iceberg as far as purely ridiculous stats go.

I admit, I am losing sleep over this team. They are wearing me out. I worry about the wild card. I worry about the division. I watch them put up sick offensive numbers and am reminded of the Augustus Clump scene in Willy Wonka (the real version) where his mother says "Agoostus, save some fa la-tah" shortly before he falls into the chocolate river. I keep watching thinking when are the Indians going to fall into the chocolate river? When will we wake up?

But what if we are awake? What if this is really happening? When do we draw the line between "wake me when it's over" and a very, very special season? Are we watching one of those seasons? You know the kind I'm talking about; the one you just saw last year when the Sox broke the curse. You know the kind; the one the Marlins had two years ago. You know the kind; the one the Indians SHOULD have had in 1997. What if this is one of those seasons?

So, if it is, how do we act? I don't have the answer to that. But, I can tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to pinch myself, just to make sure I'm not dreaming, then watch every freaking pitch I can; read every column I can find, including every Indians' beat column as well as the latest post from the opposing teams' columnists; I'm going to have Mike & Mike for breakfast every morning; I'm going to live in my car during sports radio hours, especially Kenny Roda; I'm going to read every ESPN article and blog I can find; I'm going to patiently await my Sunday morning feast, a.k.a as the ABJ's View from Pluto.

I'm going to shake off the dream residue of those unforgettable mid-90s teams and be a fan of these Cleveland Indians.